General Discipline Guidelines

Dear Readers,

I appreciate all of the recent e-mails. I have been receiving many questions regarding specific discipline problems with children. I would like to take this opportunity to outline guidelines that would be useful in avoiding resistant behavior in children.

We as parents/educators should have certain beliefs, including:
All children want to do the right thing.
Children prefer to have definite rules.
We do NOT want blind obedience.
Children need practice in doing the right thing.
Children imitate all the time.

Guidelines:
• Establish routines and stick to them-this gives the child a sense of security and the child knows what to expect next.
• Be consistent!!! Remember that “a rule is a rule” and do not be afraid to say “NO” to your child.
• Give as few commands as possible-then follow through. Give necessary help.
• Only ONE person should direct a child at a time.
• Warn your child ahead of time-for example, “you may finish what you are doing, then it will be time for…” or “when I call you again, it will be time for dinner”
• Do not harp on poor behavior. Disapprove of what your child is doing if need be, but do not focus on the misbehavior. Offer a positive alternative.
• Be objective-avoid phrases such as “I want you to….” Instead say, “It’s time to…” or “the clock says…” Speaking in this manner will allow to child to accept more impersonal control with less argument.
• Give a choice ONLY if the child may choose. If you offer a choice, remember that you must accept the choice the child makes.
• Keep your child purposefully occupied-children need direction. For example, “you may do…, or…, or…” These could be fun suggestions or chores that are saved until time of need.
• Recognize achievement! Accept your child where he/she is. Remember your goal may not be his/her goal. Most important-Praise, Praise, Praise! Be sincere, not sugar-coated.
• Be casual-don’t argue or over-reason. Give simple explanations to your child. Then remain calm and ignore further arguments on the child’s part.
• Don’t worry about others’ opinions- set your own standards.
• Do not deceive a child-avoid promises you cannot keep. Do not threaten something you cannot follow through on. Do NOT discuss your child in front of him/her.

Remember, there are no perfect parents. Participating in parenting classes and learning parenting techniques are wonderful for support and guidance. Do not be discouraged if you are unable to remember and/or follow each technique. Everything takes time and practice.

Thank you for reading.

Are you a good listener?

Do you really listen when others talk or do you just hear what they are saying? Empathic listening is an active process to discern what people are saying. It is a powerful tool for building on relationships. When you take the time to listen, you communicate to the other person that they are an individual of worth and value. Empathic listening is one of the best ways to strengthen trust and rapport with others. It is easy to be an empathic listener, as long as you follow these key elements: • Be nonjudgmental • Give undivided attention (no doodling, answering cell phones, checking the time while the other individual is talking to you) • Listen carefully to what the person is saying (facts and feelings) • Allow silence for reflection (there does not always have to be spoken words-don’t let your anxiety force you to speak) • Use restatement to clarify messages Remember that empathic listening can lead to stronger relationships and trust among individuals.

Punishment or Consequence?

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein,

Is there a difference between punishment and consequences?

Confused


A: Dear Confused,

Punishment is not the same as consequence. Punishment includes many things, such as yelling, put-downs, threats, taking things away and hitting or spanking. Punishment often leads a child to resent or fear, and teaches them they can punish others (often seen in bullying behavior).

Consequence is a result of a choice a child has made. Some consequences are natural-for example, if a child does not eat dinner then he/she will be hungry later that night, or if a child does not wear proper clothing in the rain, he/she will get wet. Consequences are different from punishment in that consequences are a way for the parent to set limits and give choices (“you can get up on time or go to bed earlier”-if the child gets up late then he/she goes to bed earlier that night, or “follow the rules of the bus or you walk to and from school-you decide”). Consequences show respect, fit the misbehavior, are for bad choices- NOT bad children, are about the present (not past) and allow choice. . When you use consequences, don’t worry about what others think, stay calm, let the child be responsible for the choice, and make it clear when there is no choice.

Moving Soon

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein I am in the process of moving to a new school district. I heard wonderful things about this district, and my children are still in elementary school, however, I am moving from a town of more than one middle school and high school, to a community with only one high school-7th through 12th grades in one school! Should I be worried? Moving Soon A: Dear Moving Soon, I appreciate you taking the time to write. I particularly enjoyed this letter, because I myself went to a school consisting of grades 7 through 12. At the time, I never thought anything of it, and I don’t recall my parents having any concerns as well. It sounds as if your move is definite, and the school is not a factor in whether or not you will move. This being said, it might be helpful to you to speak to your new neighbors about the school, or any other parents you meet in the neighborhood. I’m sure they will give you their opinions, positive and negative, but you will get a sense of how the school is run. Perhaps you can talk to students that attend there as well. You can research statistics about the school from the internet (percent of students going to college, passing state exams, etc.). It may also be helpful for you to visit the school, even while your children are in elementary school. This may alleviate any fears or anxieties you may have and you can hopefully feel confident in the school system that your children will be attending. Make an appointment to sit with the principal and ask any questions you have regarding school policies, or concerns you may have after speaking to other parents and students. I am sure that the more informed you are, the more comfortable you will feel. Thank you again for your e-mail, ~ Carol Bottstein

Public VS. Private

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein

I am thinking of sending my child to private school. How can I make sure this is the right decision?

Public vs. Private

A: Dear Public vs. Private:

Thank you for your question. The decision regarding whether or not to send your child to a private school as opposed to the public school system is easily made by some parents, while others must weigh certain factors. There are some questions you should ask yourself when trying to decide the right educational environment for your child. The following are factors to consider: cost-it is no secret that tuition for private schools can be costly, and you need to check into payment plans if this is a concern; course offerings-most schools, both public and private have a variety of course offerings, including access to vocational programs such as those offered by BOCES. It is important to look at the course offerings, to see if the private school offers the same “track” of study that the public school offers, and vice versa; this includes regents courses. Some private schools do not participate in regents courses and exams. This should not be a concern, however, unless you already know that the college your child may attend only accepts regents diplomas ( FYI- it is not true that students will not be accepted to college without a regents diploma, however some New York colleges may have their own preferences regarding this. Regents exams are only given in New York); religious orientation- if it is important to you that your child learn academics from a particular religious perspective, then a private school in that particular religious orientation would be worth considering; class size-some private schools have the advantage of offering quality education in smaller class sizes than public schools; sports and extracurricular activities-most private schools have the same popular sports, clubs and extracurricular activities as public schools ,but it is important to double check the sports and activities offered at each school you are considering; teacher qualifications-some private schools do not require their teachers to be state certified. If this is important to you, you may want to meet with the principal of the private school you are considering and ask what the qualifications and experiences of the teachers are; special education services-some private schools may not offer the special education services that some students may need.

I hope I have answered your question and given you some things to review when deciding whether to send your child to private school or public school.


Thank you again for your e-mail

Seeking a Therapist

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein, My son was recently evaluated in school and found to have some emotional problems. He is getting counseling in school, but it was also recommended that I seek a therapist outside of school to deal with family issues. I was given a list of referrals and I noticed that some were psychologists and some were social workers. How do I decide? Seeking a therapist A: Dear seeking a therapist: I appreciate you taking the time to write. Both licensed psychologists and licensed social workers are trained therapists. Psychologists have training in, and can administer psychological evaluations, however, it sounds as if this was completed in your son’s school. Therefore, you must look for a good “match” for your child-someone whom your son and you feel comfortable with. You should check out credentials- making sure that the therapist is licensed and experienced with children and/or teenagers (you didn’t mention how old your son is). You should also find out if the therapist is comfortable with actual family counseling- meeting with you and your son on occasion (and any other family members as deemed necessary). As the recommendation for counseling in your son’s case is to “deal with family issues” it would make sense to me that the therapist would eventually, if not right away, bring you into the sessions as well. The therapist should also be willing to communicate with your school’s psychologist or counselor, to coordinate any treatment plans that may be necessary, or simply to get a full picture of what’s happening in school as well as out of school. Finally, but certainly not least, you and your son should feel comfortable with the therapist. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to determine whether or not you want to continue with the therapist. Do not be afraid, however, to make another appointment, with another therapist, if things are not as comfortable with you as you feel they should be, or if things just don’t seem to be progressing. Thank you for reading, Carol Bottstein

Future School Psychologists

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein I am a senior in high school and am thinking of pursuing a career in school psychology. I have not applied to college yet, but would like to know what the college requirements are to be a school psychologist. A: Dear future school psychologist, Thank you for your question. New York State requires school psychologists to be certified in the area of school psychology. This means that you must complete the graduate degree requirements from an accredited master’s program in school psychology (which includes coursework and internship). Since you have not yet applied to college, you need to ask yourself some questions: will you be attending school in or out of NY?; do you plan to live and work in or out of NY? Different states have different requirements. Therefore, it would be helpful if you can answer those questions. If you know the answers, the best thing to do is to research the specific requirements of the particular state you are interested in. It is not too early to check out the requirements of a graduate program, to ensure that you take the necessary undergraduate courses. You can not practice school psychology in New York without a master’s degree and state certification. Even if you are not sure as to where you will be living and working, as an undergraduate student it is wise to major in psychology and take education courses as electives. Again, I highly recommend that you research any graduate programs you may be interested in so that you are properly prepared, and when you do apply to an undergraduate college, speak to an admissions officer and tell him/her your future plans. This is another way to make sure you are properly prepared when the time comes to apply to graduate programs. Good Luck and keep in touch. Thank you, ~ Carol Bottstein

Dear Mrs. Bottstein,

My daughter is very active in school activities, especially sports. She has won awards from her school and I think she may have a chance at a scholarship in girls basketball when she is older. She is currently in ninth grade and has been having a lot of discipline problems, including some out of school suspensions. The school has recommended an alternate placement for her (a BOCES school) which my husband and I are in agreement with. My husband and I are very concerned, however, because the school she will be attending does not have after school competition sports at all.
Concerned Parent



A: Dear Concerned Parent,

I appreciate you taking the time to write. You and your husband have valid concerns, which I will be happy to address. First of all, it is good that you both are in agreement and seem comfortable with the alternate placement for your daughter. As an aside, it is important for you to know that students in alternate placements such as BOCES are constantly re-evaluated for consideration for return to their home districts. The best interest of the child is first, and emphasis is on placing the child in the least restrictive environment needed to address their specific needs.

In regard to sports, your daughter should be eligible to continue her sports career at her district school. She still “belongs” to your school district and is eligible to try out for and compete in any sports and/or clubs your district offers, provided she meets their eligibility requirements. You should contact your daughter’s guidance counselor as well as the basketball coach and special education liaison to find out the necessary steps to take to ensure that the transition is made when your daughter changes schools (you did not mention if she was recommended going to BOCES this school year or next). This transition includes the necessary transportation needs. In my experience with students attending alternate placements but who compete on their districts sports teams, transportation is arranged so the bus picks the student up at the alternate setting( in your case, the BOCES placement) and brings them to the district school. Please feel free to keep in touch and let me know how things work out.

Thank you,