Talking About Death: How To Answer Your Child's Questions

Death is a certainty in life. Yet we try to protect our children from the awareness of death, perhaps because of our own fears. We have a natural desire to be an expert and feel we know all the answers, but, in regard to death, we do not know all the answers. There is no magic answer to relieve the pain of learning about death. It is important to be supportive as both you and your child struggle to understand death. We must remember that children do not think as adults do. Adults often have difficulty finding the words that children understand.

There are some significant factors to consider:
Experience- by age 6 most children have some concept of death.
Intellectual capacity- closely related to mental age. Children must eventually understand:
1) What death is
2) There are many causes of death
3) The change from life to death is irreversible
4) Death is universal
5) My death will take place in the future


Research shows:
1) By age 18 months: children have a concept of death (i.e.: body doesn't move), however, they don't understand irreversibility. They think the dead can come back to life simply because they want it to be so.
2) By age 3: realization of death. Most children have encountered death (nature, pets, relatives, in play) by this age.
3) By age 5: concept of separation (most painful aspect of death for children and adults) and immobility (some children confuse sleep with death because of immobility).
4) By age 6: great leap in ability to understand death - child is not as egocentric, and can reason more logically. Children begin to understand irreversibility.
5) By ages 5-6: children understand causality: that people die due to causes. Before that they believe that death can be caused by wishing it.
6) By ages 6-7: beginning to understand universality, but hard to accept.
7) By ages 6-12: discrepancy between the beliefs of deaths of other people and their own death. Younger children believe that certain classes of people (parents, peers) do not die, or they see their own death as only happening very far in the future.
8) Adolescents: are so aware of death that they act as if they are immortal. Because they are so aware they must prove it isn't so.

Suggestions to consider:

1) A relationship built on open, honest communication makes it O.K. to make mistakes during your talk, because you can easily clear up any misunderstandings.
2) Listen: give full attention to what your child is saying and what he/she means. It is not always easy to figure out what a child is trying to ask in regard to death-read between the lines.
3) Don't force your child to talk about death at a particular time. Assure him/her that you are there when he/she is ready. Children need time to distance themselves and deny at times.
4) It is not always necessary to clear up all of your child's misconceptions. Consider the age and emotional state. Use your own judgement.