Talking About Death: How To Answer Your Child's Questions

Death is a certainty in life. Yet we try to protect our children from the awareness of death, perhaps because of our own fears. We have a natural desire to be an expert and feel we know all the answers, but, in regard to death, we do not know all the answers. There is no magic answer to relieve the pain of learning about death. It is important to be supportive as both you and your child struggle to understand death. We must remember that children do not think as adults do. Adults often have difficulty finding the words that children understand.

There are some significant factors to consider:
Experience- by age 6 most children have some concept of death.
Intellectual capacity- closely related to mental age. Children must eventually understand:
1) What death is
2) There are many causes of death
3) The change from life to death is irreversible
4) Death is universal
5) My death will take place in the future


Research shows:
1) By age 18 months: children have a concept of death (i.e.: body doesn't move), however, they don't understand irreversibility. They think the dead can come back to life simply because they want it to be so.
2) By age 3: realization of death. Most children have encountered death (nature, pets, relatives, in play) by this age.
3) By age 5: concept of separation (most painful aspect of death for children and adults) and immobility (some children confuse sleep with death because of immobility).
4) By age 6: great leap in ability to understand death - child is not as egocentric, and can reason more logically. Children begin to understand irreversibility.
5) By ages 5-6: children understand causality: that people die due to causes. Before that they believe that death can be caused by wishing it.
6) By ages 6-7: beginning to understand universality, but hard to accept.
7) By ages 6-12: discrepancy between the beliefs of deaths of other people and their own death. Younger children believe that certain classes of people (parents, peers) do not die, or they see their own death as only happening very far in the future.
8) Adolescents: are so aware of death that they act as if they are immortal. Because they are so aware they must prove it isn't so.

Suggestions to consider:

1) A relationship built on open, honest communication makes it O.K. to make mistakes during your talk, because you can easily clear up any misunderstandings.
2) Listen: give full attention to what your child is saying and what he/she means. It is not always easy to figure out what a child is trying to ask in regard to death-read between the lines.
3) Don't force your child to talk about death at a particular time. Assure him/her that you are there when he/she is ready. Children need time to distance themselves and deny at times.
4) It is not always necessary to clear up all of your child's misconceptions. Consider the age and emotional state. Use your own judgement.

Swimming in a Sea of Educational Terms

Are you drowning in a sea of educational terms? When you read your child’s IEP, do you know what promotional mods really mean? Let’s take a look at some familiar educational terms that you may encounter in reviewing your child’s IEP, and keep your head above water!

Annual Review - This is the yearly review of the IEP. Generally, minor changes are made during this review, such as updating goals and adjusting related services, such as speech.

Triennial - Every three years, students with IEP’s are re-evaluated. This means that he or she will have new psychological testing, as well as any testing that related service providers do. This leads me to…

Related Services - These are the service providers who are available to help your child throughout the school day. It can consist of pull-out programs or push-in (where the service provider comes into the classroom for one to one assistance) programs. Related services can include speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and/or counseling.

Mandated Services are those that are put officially on the IEP, so that your child must receive those services. At Risk refers to those services not officially on the IEP, but that your child may receive on a temporary basis with a “wait and see” attitude.

Testing Modifications - These are the modifications that your child can receive when taking standardized tests. There are many modifications that can be applied, but some of the more popular ones include having extended time to complete the exam, taking the test in a small group setting, and allowing the student to record his or her answers directly in the test booklet instead of using a bubble sheet. These modifications will not affect the score of the test, but may be important in giving your child the best possible environment for test taking.

Promotional Modifications - These are the modifications made that will allow children with disabilities to be promoted to the next grade even if they do not pass the standardized tests. Usually it is given in the form of a percentage. For example, instead of having to meet 100% of the math standards for a particular grade, your child may only have to meet 80% or 50% of the standards, depending on the type of class your child is in. Promotion also is dependent upon teacher observation, attendance, and successful participation in classroom activities.

I hope this sheds some light on some of these educational terms that can be confusing to someone just entering into special education territory. Remember, too, that your child’s teacher is more than happy to explain or clarify anything to you. He or she can be a great resource in assisting you in staying afloat among the seemingly endless sea of specialized language that appears in the educational realm!

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The ABC's of Psychiatric Acronyms

ADHD, ODD, IEP, ??? Sitting in a meeting with educators and/ or mental health professionals can be intimidating, particularly when they are speaking about your child. How about when the acronyms are flying out of everyone's mouths, and everyone seems to understand this new language except you? The DSM-IV is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders put out by the American Psychiatric Association. It contains the standard classifications of mental disorders that is used for diagnosis by mental health clinicians. Acronyms are often used as a shortcut language and is very common among clinicians today. Unfortunately it is so common that the professionals often forget that the "lay person", namely the parent, does not necessarily know what the acronyms stand for. I facilitate a parent group where many of the children have a diagnosis. It is amazing how even the parents in this group speak in acronyms. Everyone seems to understand each other, however, on occasion, another parent will interrupt and ask what a particular acronym stands for and means. I feel it is important to publish some of the common acronyms used today and a brief definition, according to the DSM-IV, of each. ADHD-Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: clinical features include the following: difficulty sustaining attention, often does not seem to listen, easily distracted frequently interrupts, talks excessively, difficulty following directions, fidgets in seat. AS-Aspergers Syndrome: severe and sustained impairment in social interaction, and the development of repetitive, restricted patterns of interests, activities and behaviors. IEP-Individualized Education Plan- a plan devised to meet the specific and unique educational needs of one child. IQ- Intelligence Quotient: general intellectual functioning as assessed with one or more standardized intelligence tests (such as Weschler Intelligence Scale for Children-Revised, Stanford-Binet, Kaufman Assessment Battery for Children). LD- Learning Disability: achievement on individualized standardized tests in mathematics, reading or written expression is significantly below what is expected in relation to age, schooling and intelligence level. MR- Mental Retardation : significantly subaverage intellectual functioning., with marked limitations in various areas of adaptive behavior as well. IQ is defined as 69 or below. OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: recurrent obsessions or compulsions that are time consuming or cause significant impairment. Obsessions are recurring thoughts, images or impulses, (ie: hand washing) that cause anxiety or stress. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental acts (counting, repeating words silently) which occur in an attempt to reduce anxiety or stress. ODD- Oppositional Defiant Disorder: defiant and negative behaviors such as being persistently stubborn, unwilling to compromise, deliberately tests limits, argumentative, verbal aggression, lasting about six months, without serious violation of the basic rights of others. PDD Pervasive Developmental Disorder: this category is used when there is significant impairment in the development of social skills, or verbal and nonverbal communication skills, or when there are stereotyped behavior, interest and activities. (also known as Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Achieving Our Goals

We all have goals, whether they are personal, financial, educational or professional. Some people seem to achieve all they set out to. Others seem to constantly dream and hope, yet never accomplish a thing. It is healthy to set goals, but we must follow certain guidelines to better ensure successful completion of such goals.

First of all, our goal must be conceivable. We must be able to identify what might be a first step. Most of our long term goals need to be broken down into smaller steps. Our focus should be on one step at a time, as to not feel overwhelmed. This technique also gives us a place to start and a specific end in sight. As each step is accomplished, you will feel success, and encouragement to continue.

Our goals should also be believable. We must truly believe we can accomplish the goal.

Goals should be achievable. We should be realistic in our expectations. For example, it would NOT be achievable for a person with no training to win an Olympic gold medal in figure skating.

Our goals should be controllable. This means that the goals should be made with regard to what is in control of each individual. The goal should involve your own behavior and not be contingent on the behavior of others. For example, a goal to marry into royalty would require the agreement of another party and therefore is not controllable.

Goals should be measurable in both time and quantity. For example, it is better to set a goal of cleaning the bathroom and kitchen by Saturday than to say you want your whole house clean. It is easier to accomplish the goal if it is for a specific time and quantity than general. Again, break your goal into measurable steps.

Goals should be desirable. Our goals should reflect what we want to do as opposed to what we feel we have to do.

Goals should have no alternatives. This means the goal should be simply stated with no “I will do -------------OR --------------. Usually when an “or” is involved, the person ends up doing neither.

Most importantly, goals should always be for our growth, and not destructive to ourselves, others or society. Keep a positive attitude, keep focused on the goal, and you will feel successful in no time!

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Is your child being bullied? It is important for parents to understand bullying behavior and to discuss this topic with your child. Children often may know that they are uncomfortable with a person or situation, yet be embarrassed to bring it to an adult’s attention, or even feel as if they should be able to handle every situation themselves.

Who exactly is a bully? There is no physical description. A bully can be any age, tall, short, fat, thin, male or female. A bully is anyone who intentionally makes another person feel afraid, hurt or uncomfortable over and over again. The person who is the target of the bully is known as the victim.

Bullying behavior commonly takes place in the school setting, and can take place anywhere in school. This includes places such as the hallway, bathroom, lunchroom, gym, classroom and specials such as music or art, on the school bus, outside at recess or outside the school building before or after school starts.

There are numerous ways that someone can bully another person. One way is physically, in other words, using their body to hurt someone else. Examples of physical bullying are hitting, kicking, pushing, and using a weapon. Using words to hurt someone is another type of bullying. Examples include name calling, teasing, cursing, and insults. Other types of bullying can be less directly involved with an individual, but just as hurtful. These involve stealing from someone, ignoring, spreading lies, and consistently leaving someone out.

If your child is being bullied, advise him/her that it is best to at first ignore. Tell your child that it is difficult to do, but they should try to not listen or at least act like he/she does not care what is going on. Tell your child to keep a calm voice if he/she needs to speak or reply. They should smile as if they are not bothered. Sometimes being funny can diffuse a situation and take the bully off guard. Further advise your child to walk away, or more importantly, run if he/she is in physical danger.

Once your child is out of the situation, they must tell an adult. It can be anyone they feel comfortable talking to, and who will listen and act. If one adult doesn't listen or act ,they must not feel helpless, but rather, tell someone else. Advise them to bring a friend with them if they are uncomfortable speaking to the adult by themselves. Your child can write a letter to the adult if they have difficulty speaking to someone about the bullying, but remember they MUST tell someone!

Asperger Syndrome

Asperger syndrome is a neurophysiologic disorder that was accepted in the psychiatric community in 1994. It was identified by Hans Asperger, an Austrian doctor, back in 1944. Asperger syndrome and autism are examples of pervasive developmental disorders, commonly referred to as PDD, or PDD or Autistic Spectrum Disorders.

The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, published by the American Psychiatric Association) identifies PDD as "characterized by severe deficits and pervasive impairment in multiple areas of development, including impairment in reciprocal social interaction, impairment in communication, and the presence of stereotyped behavior, interests and activities."

Children diagnosed as Asperger's have marked social inadequacies, meaning they have difficulty understanding and reacting to others appropriately. They have difficulty picking up nonverbal social cues such as facial expression and body language. They often have trouble maintaining eye contact. Quite often they have difficulty judging personal space. Asperger's children may also have sensory integration issues, such as only wanting to eat certain foods or wear certain fabrics. They also have difficulty with change or transition. Aspergers children tend to have their own set of rules, which may not be our rules.

Children with Asperger's generally have average and above IQ scores. They want to be socially accepted, however, because they are socially naïve and take things literally, they frequently get teased or bullied in school. It is difficult for them to make or maintain friendships. Their speech is sometimes characterized by repetition or abnormal inflections. Physical awkwardness is also common in Asperger's syndrome.

There is no specific medication to treat Asperger's, however, medication may be used to treat accompanying symptoms, such as anxiety, attention deficit, and obsessive- compulsiveness.


Thank you for reading

Family Meetings

Regularly scheduled family meetings can be a great way for families to touch base, make plans, resolve conflicts and to help build cooperation in your family. With everyone's busy schedules, whether it be work, sports, church or community functions, it is hard for many families to see each other all at once, and sitting down to eat dinner together and discuss the day is a thing of the past for many households.

The first step toward planning a family meeting is to make a chart of everyone's activities. Fill in your children's and your own schedule for the week. This will help you find or make time when all family members are free. Regular meetings will give everyone a chance to discuss good feelings, let families have more fun together, help families work as a team, teach family members about respect and problem solving, help parents learn effective discipline and give children a place they know they will be heard and loved.

A suggestion for a regular time might be once a week. Plan to have the meeting last from twenty to thirty minutes. Younger children may need shorter or more frequent meetings. Make a list of topics, or an agenda for the meeting. Post it (ie; on the refrigerator) so family members can add to it. You will then need to decide which topics will be discussed at the first meetings. Remember to leave time to make decisions. Take turns with different tasks during the meeting. One person can be leader and help stick to the agenda. Someone else can take notes. If a child is too young to write, they can retrieve the agenda or minutes from the last meeting. Everyone should get a chance to lead, even if they are young and need help. Another person can take notes, or minutes of the present meeting. When talking about something on the list, let your children speak first, so they can feel responsible.

Try not to let the meetings become complaining, or gripe sessions .Some things to be covered in family meetings include: kids' activities, allowances, errands, chores, rules when friends visit, weekend plans, rules for using the phone, computer, video games, etc., and homework.

Family meetings are for all families, one or two parent, one or many children, and stepfamilies as well.

A typical format for a formal approach to a family meeting is as follows:
-share good things that have happened for each family member
-read and discuss the notes from the previous meeting
-talk about things that were not discussed at the last meeting
-talk about new ideas your family want to discuss at this meeting
-plan a family activity
-summarize what all have agreed to. Ask members what they feel about the decisions reached.

Remember, don't expect the perfect family meeting. You are just beginning. The most important thing is for everyone to feel their ideas are important.

Thank you for reading,
Carol Bottstein

Managing Your Anger

When you feel angry, it is important to stop your anger and choose new thoughts. The following are suggestions for managing anger.

1. Deep Breathing-When you feel angry, silently tell your self to "stop". Take some deep breaths. It is best to breathe through your nose and out through your mouth and replace your thoughts with calmer thinking. You may have to do this several times before you feel your anger lessening.

2. Engage in Physical Activity- Run, walk, bike ride, garden, do chores around the house. Physical activity gives you a break from the anger and a chance to think. Studies show, however, that engaging in activities such as punching the pillow when angry actually increases angry feelings. So it is best to engage in productive physical activity. While your exercising, work on new thoughts.

3. Self-Talk-use calming phrases that you can say to yourself over and over to help you calm down. Use the deep breathing technique as you say these phrases. Examples ; Take it easy, Slow down, Relax, Stay calm.

4. Monitor Your Anger- There are varying ranges of anger, from mere annoyance to outrage. You can learn to score your level of anger on a scale of 1 to 10 . You will then learn which types of incidents you find the most difficult to tolerate. You will begin to see patterns in the types of incidents that anger you the most. The higher the score, the more effort needed to calm down. You can use a notebook to monitor your anger and keep a record of the incidents and corresponding scores. By monitoring your anger and keeping a record, you will be able to see if a certain incident occurs a few times a week. If the technique you are using does not work, then you need to try a different method. On the other hand, if the score lowers, examine your thoughts to see what new perspectives you have given yourself. If the score continues to rise or stay the same, you need to examine how you are continuously making yourself angry.

5. Think of Past Successes- Everyone has times where they are tempted to get angry and lose their cool, but they do not. Think of such times in your life. It may be helpful to record that time in your notebook. How did you keep yourself form getting angry? What were your thoughts?

6. Humor- You can use your notebook to write humorous messages to yourself for when angry situations happen. If you can see the humor in some aggravating situations, your anger lessens.

7. Keep a "to do" List- Keep a list of things to do when you start to feel your anger rising. You can incorporate things from this article as well include some of your own ideas. Keep the list handy so you can retrieve it the moment you start to feel angry.

General Discipline Guidelines

Dear Readers,

I appreciate all of the recent e-mails. I have been receiving many questions regarding specific discipline problems with children. I would like to take this opportunity to outline guidelines that would be useful in avoiding resistant behavior in children.

We as parents/educators should have certain beliefs, including:
All children want to do the right thing.
Children prefer to have definite rules.
We do NOT want blind obedience.
Children need practice in doing the right thing.
Children imitate all the time.

Guidelines:
• Establish routines and stick to them-this gives the child a sense of security and the child knows what to expect next.
• Be consistent!!! Remember that “a rule is a rule” and do not be afraid to say “NO” to your child.
• Give as few commands as possible-then follow through. Give necessary help.
• Only ONE person should direct a child at a time.
• Warn your child ahead of time-for example, “you may finish what you are doing, then it will be time for…” or “when I call you again, it will be time for dinner”
• Do not harp on poor behavior. Disapprove of what your child is doing if need be, but do not focus on the misbehavior. Offer a positive alternative.
• Be objective-avoid phrases such as “I want you to….” Instead say, “It’s time to…” or “the clock says…” Speaking in this manner will allow to child to accept more impersonal control with less argument.
• Give a choice ONLY if the child may choose. If you offer a choice, remember that you must accept the choice the child makes.
• Keep your child purposefully occupied-children need direction. For example, “you may do…, or…, or…” These could be fun suggestions or chores that are saved until time of need.
• Recognize achievement! Accept your child where he/she is. Remember your goal may not be his/her goal. Most important-Praise, Praise, Praise! Be sincere, not sugar-coated.
• Be casual-don’t argue or over-reason. Give simple explanations to your child. Then remain calm and ignore further arguments on the child’s part.
• Don’t worry about others’ opinions- set your own standards.
• Do not deceive a child-avoid promises you cannot keep. Do not threaten something you cannot follow through on. Do NOT discuss your child in front of him/her.

Remember, there are no perfect parents. Participating in parenting classes and learning parenting techniques are wonderful for support and guidance. Do not be discouraged if you are unable to remember and/or follow each technique. Everything takes time and practice.

Thank you for reading.

Are you a good listener?

Do you really listen when others talk or do you just hear what they are saying? Empathic listening is an active process to discern what people are saying. It is a powerful tool for building on relationships. When you take the time to listen, you communicate to the other person that they are an individual of worth and value. Empathic listening is one of the best ways to strengthen trust and rapport with others. It is easy to be an empathic listener, as long as you follow these key elements: • Be nonjudgmental • Give undivided attention (no doodling, answering cell phones, checking the time while the other individual is talking to you) • Listen carefully to what the person is saying (facts and feelings) • Allow silence for reflection (there does not always have to be spoken words-don’t let your anxiety force you to speak) • Use restatement to clarify messages Remember that empathic listening can lead to stronger relationships and trust among individuals.

Punishment or Consequence?

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein,

Is there a difference between punishment and consequences?

Confused


A: Dear Confused,

Punishment is not the same as consequence. Punishment includes many things, such as yelling, put-downs, threats, taking things away and hitting or spanking. Punishment often leads a child to resent or fear, and teaches them they can punish others (often seen in bullying behavior).

Consequence is a result of a choice a child has made. Some consequences are natural-for example, if a child does not eat dinner then he/she will be hungry later that night, or if a child does not wear proper clothing in the rain, he/she will get wet. Consequences are different from punishment in that consequences are a way for the parent to set limits and give choices (“you can get up on time or go to bed earlier”-if the child gets up late then he/she goes to bed earlier that night, or “follow the rules of the bus or you walk to and from school-you decide”). Consequences show respect, fit the misbehavior, are for bad choices- NOT bad children, are about the present (not past) and allow choice. . When you use consequences, don’t worry about what others think, stay calm, let the child be responsible for the choice, and make it clear when there is no choice.

Moving Soon

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein I am in the process of moving to a new school district. I heard wonderful things about this district, and my children are still in elementary school, however, I am moving from a town of more than one middle school and high school, to a community with only one high school-7th through 12th grades in one school! Should I be worried? Moving Soon A: Dear Moving Soon, I appreciate you taking the time to write. I particularly enjoyed this letter, because I myself went to a school consisting of grades 7 through 12. At the time, I never thought anything of it, and I don’t recall my parents having any concerns as well. It sounds as if your move is definite, and the school is not a factor in whether or not you will move. This being said, it might be helpful to you to speak to your new neighbors about the school, or any other parents you meet in the neighborhood. I’m sure they will give you their opinions, positive and negative, but you will get a sense of how the school is run. Perhaps you can talk to students that attend there as well. You can research statistics about the school from the internet (percent of students going to college, passing state exams, etc.). It may also be helpful for you to visit the school, even while your children are in elementary school. This may alleviate any fears or anxieties you may have and you can hopefully feel confident in the school system that your children will be attending. Make an appointment to sit with the principal and ask any questions you have regarding school policies, or concerns you may have after speaking to other parents and students. I am sure that the more informed you are, the more comfortable you will feel. Thank you again for your e-mail, ~ Carol Bottstein

Public VS. Private

Q: Dear Mrs. Bottstein

I am thinking of sending my child to private school. How can I make sure this is the right decision?

Public vs. Private

A: Dear Public vs. Private:

Thank you for your question. The decision regarding whether or not to send your child to a private school as opposed to the public school system is easily made by some parents, while others must weigh certain factors. There are some questions you should ask yourself when trying to decide the right educational environment for your child. The following are factors to consider: cost-it is no secret that tuition for private schools can be costly, and you need to check into payment plans if this is a concern; course offerings-most schools, both public and private have a variety of course offerings, including access to vocational programs such as those offered by BOCES. It is important to look at the course offerings, to see if the private school offers the same “track” of study that the public school offers, and vice versa; this includes regents courses. Some private schools do not participate in regents courses and exams. This should not be a concern, however, unless you already know that the college your child may attend only accepts regents diplomas ( FYI- it is not true that students will not be accepted to college without a regents diploma, however some New York colleges may have their own preferences regarding this. Regents exams are only given in New York); religious orientation- if it is important to you that your child learn academics from a particular religious perspective, then a private school in that particular religious orientation would be worth considering; class size-some private schools have the advantage of offering quality education in smaller class sizes than public schools; sports and extracurricular activities-most private schools have the same popular sports, clubs and extracurricular activities as public schools ,but it is important to double check the sports and activities offered at each school you are considering; teacher qualifications-some private schools do not require their teachers to be state certified. If this is important to you, you may want to meet with the principal of the private school you are considering and ask what the qualifications and experiences of the teachers are; special education services-some private schools may not offer the special education services that some students may need.

I hope I have answered your question and given you some things to review when deciding whether to send your child to private school or public school.


Thank you again for your e-mail